Someday, I will understand.

“No moment will be more true. Than the moment I look at you.”

My best friend gave birth today. A happy and healthy baby boy. Alhamdulillah. I want to visit her soon and shower my love for that boy. I can’t help it. I have a soft spot for baby boys. I know when I look into a baby’s eyes, I see the Universe.

All my life, I knew I wanted to be a mother so badly. I even started naming my future children even when I was still a teenager. Mohammed Asyiq. Serafina Banu. Farhaan Khan. Anastashia Banu. Shaista Banu (currently the name of my niece but I thought about it once before). Mohammed Azfar. Hayder Khan. I just had so many names. Mostly, I could think of boy names because I wanted a baby boy so badly.

When I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCO), I was heartbroken. Being a mother was my purpose in life but my condition actually lessened my chances. I was so worried that I could never get pregnant or I could never have a safe pregnancy.

I had a scare a couple of years ago. My then partner and I used protection. We always did but that night, he got worried and told me to see the doctor the next day for an Emergency Contraceptive Pill. In my head, I was thinking if I got pregnant, even by accident and unplanned, I could never get rid of my baby. He kept telling me we were both not ready to be parents. Little did he know, I was so ready. I wanted to be a mother so badly. Of course, the ECP worked and I was not pregnant. I’m not even sure if we needed that ECP in the first place.

When the time comes and I finally find someone who loves me enough to want to build a family with me, and I finally get to hold my own baby boy in my arms, I know my life would be complete. The Universe would be one with me and my baby and I would have found my purpose again.


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